Mele Kalikimaka from Blato

Blato's clean and sober this year and hitting the waves for Christmas!

Best wishes from the Rat Rod Rocker, Blato, and the rest of you buddies!

Wheels in the woods...

I got a call from my buddy Donny Galchick about some wheels in the woods that he said I would be interested in.

Being a big fan of the barn find (cause if you ain't finding barn finds you just ain't cool these days) I decided to head out following his di-erections.

He told me the ride was behind a big ol' iron fence on a plantation.

I found the fence and started creeping around.




Following along the property I found the tracks to the underground railroad, Jimmy Hoffa's body, and some underwear and was about to give up when I noticed a big blue mass in the woods sticking out above the brush.



I moved in expecting an old Hudson, an F-100, or something cool.

When I cleared the thick as a 70's playboy models bushy covering I found a Ford Custom Van the reeked of stale malt liquor, English Leather, pot, tube tops and teen age sex 1970's style.



I hauled the beast out and found she was in pretty good shape.


I drained the fuel tank, changed the belts and plugs, and the old disco warrior fired right up.

She wanted to run!

I tried the ol' CB out and did a radio check and got all sorts of action from some dude called the Snowman who said he was east bound and down.

In the glove box I found out who was the last cat to register this thing, some dude named Jack Tripper.




As you can see this baby it a full on party barge love machine.

My buddy Phil the Cra-Gaaar man will be all over this ride.

He has a sweet El Camino I might be able to get him to trade for this good time van.

Two-Lane Blacktop...classic or crap?

Hey kats and kittens, I dusted off the ol' special edition of "Two-Lane Blacktop" to answer the age ol' question...is this a classic or crap.

Lets start off with the special edition, ya get a "collector tin" with a mini version of a lobby card, a book with pics from the movie, including some of chick "star" Laurie Bird, and a spiffy key chain.



I guess that is cool and all but the real heart of this is the movie.

It stars James Taylor as the driver. Now he may have seen fire and he may have seen rain but I have not seen him do a lot of good acting in this flick. He says lines about mowing some guys yard or some such trying to get guys to race him. He even calls it an "automobile race." Who the hell calls it an automobile race, is he Long Duc Dong from sixteen candles?

So far the rat rod rocker ain't buying it.

Next is the Mechanic, Dennis Wilson...the Beach Boy who could surf. He spends all his time worrying about the car and lets the driver go for the girl and have all the fun behind the wheel. That my friends is why I go solo and I would like to point out that I can multi-task. I would have driven, fixed the rod, and gotten the girl. These guys are cult hero material?

If that is the case I am a freaking legend.

Laurie Bird, who killed herself years latter while living with the tall guy that sang about bridges over troubled water and foo foo Runnysauce festivals with that short dude. She don't say much in the movie, but I would not kick her to the curb.

GTO, played by Warren Oats. Has there ever been a bigger pud behind the wheel of a car. Bad guys and nemesis types are supposed to be scary or something. This dude was running on prune juice and needed a depends adult diaper...yeah, scary foe.

The cars.

The GTO was okay, but why did they take all the cool Judge stuff off it and just make it a GTO? Was it because "The Judge" was far too cool of a name for the old fart character so they decided to call him "GTO?"

What did GTO stand for in this case? Gigantic Tool of an Old guy?

The double nickle chevy was cool, but it needed some paint. It was far cooler as good buddy Bob's car running that piss yellow coupe in that far cooler movie.

The story...what freaking story?

Yeah, it is a car movie. Yeah, it has cult status but so do the freaks over at the Church of Scientology.

Oh snap, if they do a remake they can keep the odd meta side of the flick intact and get Tom Cruise to cruise in the 55.

Yeah, this is considered a classic, but I am going to have to give it the rat rod rocker seal of crap.

I dub it "Two-Lane Craptop" and suggest "Hollywood Knigts," it has cooler cars and better looking chicks and is full of classic one liners. No good one liners from Two-Lane, just a bunch of emo moaning and grunts.

Latter kiddies.

The First EVER Rat Rod Rocker Movie Review!

Well I decided to do the giddy up thing and take my four speed dual quad posi-traction 409 to the movies so now I am gonna lay my first ever movie review on you.

The local drive in was showing "Out of Sight," a total teeny bopper James Bond rip off meets surfer movie.

The bad guys are called F.L.U.S.H in it but there ain't a john big enough in the world for this turd.

I dig cheesy movies about chicks, surfing, hot rods, and so on but this baby really is at the bottom of the list.

It just ain't all dat funny or cap-ti-vatin.

It features a cartoon car from the era called the ZZR and it is supposed to be the spy car "star" but this thing is best forgotten.

Several musical acts are featured including Gary Lewis and the Playboys (who do all rite in it), Freddie and the Dreamers, The Turtles (who should have stayed named the Crossfires doing killer surf rock instead of becoming the sappy love fest band they later became), Dobie Gray, The Knickerbockers (not bad) and a killer appearance of the land locked surf instro greats The Astronauts (the best thing about this entire movie).

I spent more time hitting on the chicks at the snack bar than watching this thing and The Astronauts really are the best part.

I give this one 1 1/2 rats out of 5 and it is not really even worth talking about beyond that. This thing makes "Biker Boyz" look like that long hair Shakin' Spears work.

Check ya later kats!

Some Italian Stallions!

I may be a hot blooded all American rockabilly hot rodder but I like me some red cars with horses from time to time and I can do more than drive a rail in a straight line.

For years I had a history with Ferrari and I was so well known that a certain German mark tried to steal me away from the red horse guys and wanted me to pilot one of them little silver cars.

Here I am running for my good buddy Enzo Ferrari in '57 at Le Mans. My pardner that year was cat named Enzo Gorlomi. He was some sort of stuntman in Italian films but he got on my nerves with this crazy fear of basements he had.

I raced for them again in '62 under the management of Dominick Decocco and my teammate was a dude named Antonio Margheriti (that names has some music in it don't it?)

Funny thing is as I mentioned above the Germans tried real hard to get me to race for them in '62 but the guy they wanted me to share a car with was a creepy goon named Hans Landa. He was a gossipy little twerp with a thing for milk. As pilots go he was decent but I was pretty fond of my Italian buddies and stuck with them.

Ahhh, take out at it's finest!

Some like their italian pizza delivered to their door but I prefer something a little more french!

Hot and fresh...Oh, yeah!

Dear Rat Rod Rocker #2

Dear Rat Rod Rocker,

Gassers seem to be the new cool. I want to be cool but I can not afford a 55 Chevy or 41 Willys. It appears that no longer matters in todays world and you can make a gasser out of anything.

What would you build one out of?

Thanks,

A Gassy Guy

Dear Sassy Gassy Gay Guy,

What the hell is wrong with you people today trying to figure out what makes a good gasser? Better yet, why are people calling cars that would have never been gassers gassers?

Gassers are easy to figure out, and you can look at books and old mags to see what they were running...

I got news for most of you clowns, you are building 1970's era STREET FREAKS, not GASSERS!

Ah heck, for-git it...let me get in the spirit of todays gasser scene.

Dear Gassy Guy,

A Honda Civic would be great. You could also try and find a Datsun B2000 or a Ford Pinto.

Nothing would say street cred like a Pinto with a big ol 427.

If I were building one I would use a 1959 Cadillac and call it "THE FAT ELVIS" and put that front end up as high as a Deadhead in the parking lot of a Dead concert.

Put ya a 500 pubic inch caddy in it and show the losers in the Willys what fer!

Yours in rat rodding, The Rat Rod Rocker