Sunday, April 18, 2010

Two-Lane Blacktop...classic or crap?

Hey kats and kittens, I dusted off the ol' special edition of "Two-Lane Blacktop" to answer the age ol' this a classic or crap.

Lets start off with the special edition, ya get a "collector tin" with a mini version of a lobby card, a book with pics from the movie, including some of chick "star" Laurie Bird, and a spiffy key chain.

I guess that is cool and all but the real heart of this is the movie.

It stars James Taylor as the driver. Now he may have seen fire and he may have seen rain but I have not seen him do a lot of good acting in this flick. He says lines about mowing some guys yard or some such trying to get guys to race him. He even calls it an "automobile race." Who the hell calls it an automobile race, is he Long Duc Dong from sixteen candles?

So far the rat rod rocker ain't buying it.

Next is the Mechanic, Dennis Wilson...the Beach Boy who could surf. He spends all his time worrying about the car and lets the driver go for the girl and have all the fun behind the wheel. That my friends is why I go solo and I would like to point out that I can multi-task. I would have driven, fixed the rod, and gotten the girl. These guys are cult hero material?

If that is the case I am a freaking legend.

Laurie Bird, who killed herself years latter while living with the tall guy that sang about bridges over troubled water and foo foo Runnysauce festivals with that short dude. She don't say much in the movie, but I would not kick her to the curb.

GTO, played by Warren Oats. Has there ever been a bigger pud behind the wheel of a car. Bad guys and nemesis types are supposed to be scary or something. This dude was running on prune juice and needed a depends adult diaper...yeah, scary foe.

The cars.

The GTO was okay, but why did they take all the cool Judge stuff off it and just make it a GTO? Was it because "The Judge" was far too cool of a name for the old fart character so they decided to call him "GTO?"

What did GTO stand for in this case? Gigantic Tool of an Old guy?

The double nickle chevy was cool, but it needed some paint. It was far cooler as good buddy Bob's car running that piss yellow coupe in that far cooler movie.

The story...what freaking story?

Yeah, it is a car movie. Yeah, it has cult status but so do the freaks over at the Church of Scientology.

Oh snap, if they do a remake they can keep the odd meta side of the flick intact and get Tom Cruise to cruise in the 55.

Yeah, this is considered a classic, but I am going to have to give it the rat rod rocker seal of crap.

I dub it "Two-Lane Craptop" and suggest "Hollywood Knigts," it has cooler cars and better looking chicks and is full of classic one liners. No good one liners from Two-Lane, just a bunch of emo moaning and grunts.

Latter kiddies.